


The Attempt Series

by Sirius04L



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Child Abuse, Drug Use, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Past Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-29
Updated: 2020-07-07
Packaged: 2021-03-02 17:13:47
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,850
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24440380
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sirius04L/pseuds/Sirius04L
Summary: Jim Kirk never had it easy. Four times he attempted to take his life and each time there was a nagging voice in his ear telling him not to do it, to hold on for something better.
Relationships: James T. Kirk/Leonard "Bones" McCoy, James T. Kirk/Leonard "Bones" McCoy/Spock
Comments: 20
Kudos: 128





	1. Attempt Number One

**Author's Note:**

> I originally posted this 11 years ago on fanfiction.net, but want to move some of my stuff over to this new (to me) platform.
> 
> This story, obviously, gets dark and Jim tries a few different ways to end his life. Please take that into consideration before reading.

He couldn't stand it anymore. He was tired of being seen as some kid that had lost his father. He was tired of being pitied because his mother was always off planet and he and his brother were being raised by their step father.

He never knew what his mother saw in the man. You would think that she had purposely picked a man that reminded her nothing of her late husband. This man was overweight, a drunk, lazy, and violent. He was trying to take control of his and his brother's lives. That wasn't up to him, it was up to them and their mother.

After the latest bout of hitting and yelling from the man he was forced to call step father he ran up the stairs and to the room he shared with his older brother, only to see him stuffing his backpack full of clothes. "Where are you going?"

"I need to get out of here. I can't handle it."

"Take me with you."

The older boy looked at him and smiled sadly making the bruised and swollen eye look like it was winking at him. "I can't. I can't take care of both of us."

He sat on his bad and watched his brother pack. "What am I going to do?"

"Stay here, get out when you're older and can take care of yourself."

"But - "

"You have to…if anyone can put this dick in place its you." He looked at his younger brother. "Do you know why he had you washing dad's car yesterday?"

He looked up, "Why?" There were tears in the blue eyes.

"He's going to sell it. He's going to sell our dad's car." He saw a look of hate and determination in his younger brother's eyes and smiled sadly. "Love you, squirt. See you around."

With that he watched his older brother leave through the widow. He rushed to it and watched as the boy headed down the dusty road and out of sight.

Now his brother was leaving him too. First his dad, then his mom, and now his brother. What was so wrong with him that made people leave him? He had been told that he looked like his dad, but he was a good student, behaved in school so he just didn't understand why.

From downstairs he heard his step father thud to the kitchen for a beer and it hit him. If that's what the man wanted to do, sell his father's car for more beer money, then he would make sure the car wasn't worth anything. While the noise continued from the kitchen he grabbed the set of keys from the hook and made his way to the garage. Quietly he got in the candy-apple-red car and started the engine. He had to stretch but he could reach the pedals.

He put the car in gear and took off, a frightened yell leaving his lips as he jolted back against the seat. His eyes widened as he watched the orange pointer as he went faster and faster. When the comm system in the car went off he answered and listened as his step father screamed at him.

He laughed. No one was ever going to touch this car again.

The boy undid the latches and cheered as the top flew off the car. The wind blowing through his hair and the speed made him feel better than he ever had. He felt like he belonged where he was; he never wanted to leave this car and he wasn't going to. It was as if his father was sitting with him, urging him on and telling him what to do.

He kept his eyes focused on the road ahead of him and turned the radio on and blasted it. The kid laughed when he passed the form of his brother walking along the road and just waved behind him. This speed was exhilarating, he was free, no one could hurt him again, no one could tell him that he was a disappointment. No one could be able to tell him that his father would never be proud of him.

Suddenly he knew where he wanted to go, where he wanted to leave this car so that the drunken bastard could never touch it again, so that he could never sell it. The place he was going would also end his pain if he did it right.

He heard a siren and turned around. "Fuck," he muttered and pressed his foot down harder until the pedal was flat against the ground. He needed to get to the quarry. If there was anything that he had to do right in his life, it was this. Destroy the car. The thought of what could happen to him entered his mind and he ran with it.

If he did this, he would never have to live in his dead father's shadow, he wouldn't see his mother looking at him as if he was gone, he wouldn't see his step father looking at him with hatred in his eyes. The car wasn't the only thing that needed to be destroyed. If the world didn't like him, his mother, his step father, his brother…why should he stay in it.

With a new sense of determination he continued to ignore the siren and made a sharp right onto the dirt road. He drove between the rows of crops and felt the car shift under him. The seconds seemed like hours but finally his eyes rested on the quarry and the cliff that was going to take him to his father. His father would be happy to see him if no one else would.

_ Don't do this. _

He didn't know where the voice came from but he continued to hear it as he drove closer and closer to the edge.

_ Don't do this. Don't just give up. There is no such thing as a no-win situation. You can survive this. _

"I don't want to." he whispered to the voice, but the fear was creeping into him. He would fall thousands of feet to his death. There would be no chance to stop himself.

_ Son, don't do this. There is something to live for, you just need to make it there. _

The boy gasped and shook his head. He couldn't do this. He had to do this. He couldn't just live like this anymore. The universe hated him. But, he thought about the voice and wondered if this was the only time that he would hear his father, know that his father was really watching over him.

The edge was only feet away and he yelled and forced the door opening diving out, his body stretching out and trying to grip onto something. Behind him, he heard the roar of the car falling off and soon his legs followed it. He screamed and dug into the ground, one of his nails chipping off as he tried to stop.

He did, but he was too tired, too tired to pull himself up and lay on the ground. He felt something give him a push up and he laid on the ground, the loose dirt filling his nose and mouth as he breathed in.

The blue eyes that came from his father saw a booted foot step to the ground and he stood up facing the officer that had been chasing him. He narrowed his eyes and felt a sense of pride fill his chest at what he had just done. He destroyed the car and it would be his father's forever. He escaped death.

"Citizen, what is your name?"

Giving the officer a smirk he shoved his hands into the pockets of his jeans thinking that maybe the universe didn't hate him after all, he just had to stick around and see. "My name is James Tiberius Kirk."


	2. Attempt Number 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is Jim's second attempt at taking his own life. 
> 
> This chapter does include sexual assault on a minor and other physical violence. If that bothers you in anyway, please skip this chapter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who took the time to leave a comment or kudos.
> 
> This chapter gets fairly graphic, please heed the warnings.

Jim should have left with Sam, should have just followed him but instead he had tried to kill himself by going over a cliff's edge in his dad's prized car. He was only ten and he had chickened out. He regretted his actions that day. Jim regretted not going with his brother and he regretted being a fucking pansy at the age of ten.

When he was thirteen he had tried to leave again, but he picked a bad time. It was one of those rare weeks when his mother was on Earth. He remembered her walking into his room to say hi, that she was back early when he was climbing out the window. Jim couldn't get the image of her disappointed look out of his mind, like her world was leaving her forever. In that moment Jim believed that his mother was honestly sad that he was trying to leave home.

She had held him to her chest, begged him not to leave her alone. She promised that things would get better, that she wouldn't take the off world assignments and she wouldn't be gone for months at a time.

When she left later that week to go back into space Jim knew that he had been stupid. She wasn't trying to get Jim to stay, she was trying to get the image of George Kirk to stay. He decided that his stupidity was unrivaled because even after she was gone he stayed in that house, hoping that she would love him, see him as Jim Kirk instead of her dead husband. It never happened.

He was now fifteen years old and his mom was coming home for two days before she was leaving him alone with Frank again. The time she was home she avoided him and Jim gladly stayed out of the house and Frank's way. He had been subject to beatings and lustful glares for years now. Jim knew that while the hitting wouldn't happen while his mother was home, the desired filled glances would be there.

Frank had suddenly decided that Jim was a good looking kid and since his wife was off planet why shouldn't he use Jim as a replacement. Jim had found ways around it until Frank passed out and the next day he would pay for it with fists flying at his face. He fought back but the man's bulk prevented Jim from doing any formidable damage. Jim dreaded and anticipated that day that his mom would leave again. There would be no more ghost-smiles but there would be porky hands trying to tear at his clothing.

His mom had been off planet for only a couple days now and Frank was already looking at him like he was a piece of meat. He was walking in the fields behind the rundown farmhouse waiting for the dickweed to pass out so he could grab his clothes and get the hell out of this place. He didn't care what promise he had made to his mother. She had broken her's time and time again and now it was his turn.

The sapphire blue eyes took in the star lit sky above him and he tried to wonder what he had done in his life or a past life that brought these things onto him. His father had died as he was being born, his mother would never love or be proud of him, his brother left him, and his step father was a freak that was trying to get off on Jim.

The troubled young man looked at his clock and saw that it was nearly two in the morning. Frank normally conked out around one-thirty. Silently he made his way back to the house and climbed up the tree and slipped into his room. It always seemed empty now that Sam was gone; Frank had sold most of Sam's things and even some of Jim's so he could support his habit.

"'Bout time kid," a gruff voice from his bed.

Jim's eyes got wide and he turned, scrambling to get out of the window but fat, rough hands grabbed his waist and pulled him in and onto the bed.

"NO!" Jim roared, secretly wishing that the closet neighbors weren't a mile down the road. He struggled against the older man but Frank out weighed him by at least one hundred pounds. "Let me go!"

Jim aimed a kick at Frank and smirked with satisfaction when he heard the asshole grunt. He took the chance and ran for his bedroom door only to find it locked. He muttered under his breath and made a dash for the window. Jim didn't see the man coming behind him, and by the time he did he could block the fist that collided with his temple. His world went black.

When he woke up he was on his stomach and his shirt was in shreds around him and he could feel his jeans bunched up at his ankles. He tried struggling but the legs of his step father pinned his legs while a fat hand gripped the back of his neck to keep him down.

"Fucking tease." he heard the rough voice say. A sweaty and meaty body laid on his and Jim couldn't stop the tears from welling in his eyes.

"Frank no!" he screamed. He could smell the alcohol on Frank's breath as he panted with excitement. Jim did everything he could to get out from under the man on top of him, but his body was completely covered by Frank's. A pathetic whimper escaped him as his step father's nails cut into him when he pulled Jim's boxers down.

"You're gonna enjoy this kid." Frank whispered. He laughed when Jim screamed under him and tried to pull away from him.

The cries from Jim for him to stop only urged him on and he moved harder. Jim tried to stop making the noises and hoped that Frank would tire. The pain got worse and Jim started sobbing, wanting it to end. He couldn't be strong anymore.

"Shh…be a good boy Jimmy."

Jim narrowed his eyes. He couldn't let him finish. He needed to get out of here. He reached for his lamp and was thankful that Frank was too distracted to notice. It took him a couple tries but he finally reached it. His fingers curled around the metal base and with everything he could he smashed the lamp into Frank's head. The two-hundred-pound plus body fell on top of Jim and he panted.

He swallowed and got the dead weight off of him. Jim scrambled off the bed and sat against the wall, his whole body shaking. He heard Frank groan and knew that he couldn't stay there long.

Pain coursed through his body when he stood and he ran to the bathroom throwing up in the toilet. He looked at himself in the mirror and saw his eyes were red, one swelling. Other bruises littered his thin body but that wasn't his concern right now. He needed to get the stench of Frank off of him.

Jim grabbed wash cloth and ran hot water over it and scrubbed his body raw. He let the tears fall down his face as scrubbed, never feeling clean. The noises from his bedroom cause him to freeze. When he didn't hear Frank get up he pulled on some dirty clothes from the laundry basket and squeezed out the bathroom window. He fell to the ground but ignored the searing pain and ran to the garage and the motorcycle that he was fixing up.

Without grabbing his helmet or any other clothes he took off into the night. He drove two towns over so he knew that no one would realize who he was and hid his bike in an alley. Jim wandered the roads, his body still shaking but he knew that he couldn't go to a hospital.

He stood behind a noisy bar and saw a piece of grimy glass laying on the ground. Jim slid down the wall and picked it up before breaking it into a smaller piece, shards digging into his hand.  _ Do it Jim, _ he told himself.

Jim placed the glass against the tanned skin of his wrist and pushed down, dragging it across the flesh. He wanted to yell as the pain ripped him apart but he didn't. He made another slice watching his blood drip to the ground.

_ The universe wants you to suffer Jim, the universe wants you gone. _ He cried silently making a third gash appear, the hand holding the glass bleeding as well. The blue eyes watched as a puddle of gleaming red liquid formed around him.

"Wrong way kid."

Jim looked up to see a stranger looking at him. The older man knelt down, already calling medics to the site. "What?"

The guy looked at Jim taking the glass from him and shook his head. "Down the road, not across the street."

The younger boy nodded and closed his eyes. "I'll remember that for next time." Jim remembered the sirens blaring around him and warm hands lifting him onto the stretcher. He let himself fade, hoping that he had lost enough blood to die.

_ Jim, don't do this kid. You need to make it through this. You're not done yet. _

He ignored the voice in his head, wanting to stay in the black that was consuming him. It was the most welcoming sight that he had ever seen.

_ Son, wake up. Get out now. _

Jim groaned opening his eyes. He blinked to clear his vision and saw white walls and gleaming white lights. The smell of disinfectant hit his nose and he coughed weakly. His body wasn't in pain, anywhere. So he was in a hospital on pain meds.

He saw that the room was empty and Jim tore the needles from his arm. He heard an alarm and grabbed his clothes running out. Jim made it through the halls of the hospital and finally outside, making his way back to his bike.

Jim threw on his dirty clothes and leaned against the wall. He couldn't go home but he had to get away. He got on his bike and drove away. Tears stung at his eyes but he felt free and alive. He didn't know where he would go but he kept riding. Maybe there was something better waiting for him, he just didn't know what. He drove to a town and hid out, deciding that this was where he was going to make his new home.


	3. Attempt Number 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim's third attempt at taking his own life...well, having it taken from him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is right before Jim join Starfleet. We finally get to see Bones, even if it is briefly (like, super brief0. We also see Jim's mom and what's happening with her. And Frank makes a brief appearance. 
> 
> Bad parenting, bad decisions, alcohol consumption, and fighting.

Jim turned off the motor to his bike and looked at the house that he had left when he was fifteen. He had sworn that he would never return to it, yet here it was, memories and all. He didn't know why he came back, nothing good was going to come from this. There would be yelling and screaming, and then he would wind up at some shit hole of a bar and drink his problems away.

He got off the bike and walked up the creaky stairs and strolled into the house; it was his after all. "Mom?"

"Your mom's not here kid."

Jim turned and saw the one man, no, the one thing that he never wanted to see again. That bastard Frank, the one that he made Sam leave, the one that had forced him to leave his childhood home seven years ago. God did he hate this man with a passion.

"Well where the hell is she, and I swear to god if you're making her work while she's in this - "

"Get your head out of your ass Jimmy." Frank only smirked when he saw how the name affected the younger man. "She's in the hospital. They won't let her come home. Once she's off the meds she's dead."

The coldness in those words made Jim narrow his eyes. He may not love his mother, may not respect her as much as he should, but she was still his mother. He didn't want her dead and her so called husband was sitting here talking as if she didn't even matter.

"What's the matter Jimmy - "

Frank never got to answer because Jim finally did something that he had wanted to do since the man had walked into his life. He curled his hand into a fist and forced into straight into the drunk's face.

"Get the hell out of my house, Frank." Jim laughed as the man held his nose and let out pathetic whimpers. He didn't know how he could have been scared of this man when he was younger. He sent a well aimed kick at Frank's mid-section and walked out of the house and back to his bike. Jim could only laugh and the feral scream that came from the house as he took off and drove to the local hospital.

He hated hospitals, almost as much as he hated his Frank. Jim took in the familiar sights and smells of the place that had turned its back on him as a child. He didn't know how many times he had come here, injured and bleeding, just wanting help, wanting to get away from Frank. But that man, he always found a way to get out of it, never got punished for what he did to Jim.

Some of the nurses and doctors realized who he was and just watched him. They didn't know what to say to the man that walked through their lobby. His eyes, ones that had once been scared and pleading for help, were now cold and dared them to speak to him. He was here for one reason and one reason only.

Someone he didn't know, a pretty little red head with deep brown eyes told him the room number that belonged to his mother. He nodded and walked away, fully aware of her gaze on his back. Maybe he would stop by after he was done seeing mother, a pity fuck would do right now. At least it would make him forget about the situation that had brought him back to Hell-on Earth, Iowa.

Silently, he looked into the room and saw her laying there, pale and weak looking, her chest rising and falling steadily as she slept. According to what he had been told she wouldn't last another month.

Jim walked in and sat on the chair next to her bed, not touching her but just watching her face. He felt like it was his duty as a son to be here. He knew he wasn't here because he loved her, and he knew that wasn't why Sam was chartering and shuttle back to Earth. His mother died when his father did, the day that Jim was born.

Oh, she had tried to love him at first, or at least pretended to love him. When she broke her promises and left him and Sam he knew that he was a ghost to her; a reminder of the one man that she really loved.

Jim wished that Sam was here. Sam was the only one really knew what it was like to be hated like this. Sam knew what it was like to be tossed aside like he didn't matter. Then again, Sam had gotten out before Frank could ruin him, Jim hadn't.

He looked at his mother again and forced the thoughts from his mind. He had more important things to think about. Jim leaned back in his chair, counting the beeps from the monitor that let him know his mother was still alive.

The time said that it was a little after three-thirty when he woke up and he instantly knew that something was different. His blue eyes looked around and finally they landed on the form of his mother, who was propped up and glaring at him as if he were the most vile creature that had ever existed.

"Mom." he said in a calm voice.

"Why did you come?" The normally smooth and high voice was rough and raspy.

Jim looked at her and did what any good son would do; he reached out to take her hand and provide her some level of comfort. When her hand moved away from his, he sat back and put his hands in his pockets.

"Sam called, told me you weren't doing too well. Don't worry, I already stopped by and paid Frank a visit."

Jim saw her hazel eyes narrow at him and he realized that she still didn't believe that what Jim had said, what had happened years ago was real. He had made it up in order to get her attention and he ran away in an attempt to bring her home. Well if that was his plan than maybe he wasn't as smart as the tests showed he was because it only drove the wedge deeper between them.

"Get out."

The young man sat there with his eyes on his mother. He braced his shields knowing that she was going to lash out. He'd gotten used to it. Afterwards she would cry and he would walk out, drive off, and get plastered. It was a cycle that had been old from the very beginning.

"Dammit James, leave!" she tried to yell. "I never wanted you, I wish I had miscarried. Your father should be sitting here not you."

It was the same stuff Jim had heard before. His mother pushing him away, unable to look at him because of who he reminded her of. It wasn't his fault, it wasn't her's. His dad had a fucking hero complex and look where it had gotten them. Jim knew that he didn't deserve the anger that was directed toward him, but he accepted it because what else was there to do?

She looked at him and Jim could see a new breed of hatred in her eyes. "I tried to get rid of you James. I tried so damn hard. I sent you there for a reason, so you'd be out of our hair. When I heard the news about the famine and what Kodos had done I hoped that you were one of the four thousand that was killed."

The blue eyes that had been drifting out of focus were suddenly back on her. His eyes got wide and he shook his head but she went on. "I never could stand to look at you James. I hate you because of what you took from me."

"Mom - "

"Get out James." she whispered.

Jim didn't know what to do. He sat there, staring at her for a couple more minutes before he got up and left the building. Jim didn't spare a glance for the redhead that had pointed him in the right direction earlier. He didn't stop to glare at the men and women that had believed Frank's inebriated ass over his young one. He got on his bike and rode to a bar near the ship yards, one where he knew he could get into trouble.

He took a seat at the far end of the bar before ordering two shots of Jack and a Bud Classic. Jim downed the shots like they were nothing before nursing the beer. He needed to forget what his mother had said, needed to forget what had happened on that planet.

Tarsus IV and Kodos the Executioner. Jim had been sent there by his mother to visit some of his relatives, to get him out of her hair as she put it not so long ago. But there was a famine that was destroying half of the food supply and Kodos, the great man that he was, decided that half of the population, four thousand men, women, and children, needed to die so the better half could live.

Jim waved over another two shots as he recalled being trapped between the others that had been herded into the city's square. His young eyes looked up at Kodos as he stared down at them, his eyes cold and uncaring. Jim remembered every word of that speech that began the massacre; he could close his eyes and picture the whole thing.

" _ The revolution is successful. But survival depends on drastic measures." The red-haired governor stared down at them, and they all stared at him looking for strength and words to guide them. "Your continued existence represents a threat to the well-being of society." The crowd was quiet, horror on the faces of the adults and the children looked at the man confused. It took Jim only a few seconds to realize what was going to happen. He ducked and ran to an alley, lucky that the guards were too preoccupied to see him. The boy hid behind a trash can, pulling a younger boy, maybe three or four to him in order to shield him from what was to come. "You're lives mean slow death to the more valued members of society. Therefore, I have no alternative but to sentence you to death." That's when the screaming started. "Your execution is so ordered, signed Kodos, Governor of Tarsus IV." _

Jim swallowed one shot, letting the alcohol burn his throat on the way down. He wanted to get drunk and quick. Cadets were starting to pour in and he wanted one of them to go too far, just hit him in the wrong spot and end this miserable lie that he lived. He downed the fourth and chugged the beer; he didn't care if he got sick, he didn’t care what happened.

_ Jim, be reasonable, don't do this. You'll make something of yourself. Someone's just around the corner, I promise. You're mother didn't mean it, trust me son. _

Jim wanted to shut that voice up so he ordered another shot, willing it away. Now that he thought about it, he wanted to be somewhat coherent when his demise took place. He looked around the bar and saw a cadet ordering drinks and decided to see if some of the “manly” men would come to defend her honor.

Sometimes, members of StarFleet are so damn predictable. Once he called the guy 'Cupcake' the beating began. Yeah he fought back, he couldn't just sit there, he had to make it look legit. He heard the female calling for them to stop but none of them did. Jim didn't know the odds, it was at least four against him, but he liked a challenge, even if he knew this wasn't one that he was going to make it through. He didn’t want to make it through. 

When the bar went silent and the fists stopped pounding into him he groaned and looked up. A man was standing there, and guessing by the look on everyone's face he was someone important. The cadets cleared out and Jim was placed in a chair and given some water.

After a few minutes he sat down and started giving Jim a pep talk. This Pike guy really had no idea what it was like, yeah Jim was a genius, yeah he was a repeat offender, yeah he was the son of George fucking Kirk, but none of that mattered. Jim was Jim and he wanted it all to end.

He didn't pay much attention to what he was saying until he heard a challenge come from the man's mouth. Jim listened but shook his head and left. He hopped on that faithful bike of his and rode off.

The sound of the motor kept him sane and he found the events of the night coming back to him. What his mother said, hitting Frank, egging on the cadets at the bar, and finally the dare that Captain Pike had made to him before he took off.  _ "I dare you to do better." _

Jim pulled up at the shipyards just before eight in the morning and tossed the keys to some random worker. He saw Pike near the shuttle door and smirked. Jim was still in the dirty and bloody clothes that he had been in the night before but the man didn't seem to notice.

Jim clapped Pike on the shoulder, "Four years?" He got on the ramp and walked in turning around. "I'll do it in three."

He walked in, hit his head on the ceiling, saw Cupcake and his friends and just smirked. "Boys." he said and took a seat. Jim saw the cadet that he had been hitting on and sent a charming and cocky grin her way earning him an eye roll.

That's when he heard a man yelling about these shuttles being unsafe, about how he had had a seat in the bathroom and he would gladly return there. The man looked like he was in just as bad of shape as Jim was and Jim couldn't help but smirk. The guy sat down and Jim told him he was pretty sure these things were safe and he just listened as the man rattled off all the things that could happen.

Jim gladly accepted a swig from the flask and looked at the man he was going to call 'Bones'. For some reason it just worked for the guy, not only because he was a Doctor but because he claimed that was all that his ex-wife had left him with. The pair strapped in and the Doctor looked at Jim and came right out and said it.

"I may throw up on you."

After that, Jim knew that they were going to be friends, and hell. Maybe the universe didn't hate him after all. In his head he could hear the damn obnoxious voice.

_ I told you someone was there. Just hang in there kid, just hang in there. _


	4. Attempt Number 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jim's 4th attempt at taking his life.
> 
> Set after the Narada incident.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So way back when I originally wrote this it started as a one shot. This was the chapter that inspired all the others. 
> 
> When I reread it and did a quick check for errors (some I'm sure I still missed), I thought it might be a bit much; I really had a thing for being overly dramatic back then. This set at the end of the first movie, so I pictured Jim's emotions being everywhere and one thing could easily push him over the edge. That's where this all came from.

In the last three years Jim Kirk's life had changed dramatically but for the better. Well he thought it had. Now he was sitting in the dorm room that he shared with McCoy, a bottle of Jack in one hand and a small, empty orange bottle on the nightstand. He thought back on those three years and just couldn't see what went wrong. He was a Captain now, that was going to be made official in a week. But it wasn't worth it, not when McCoy wouldn't be at his side.

Three years ago he had been hitting on a StarFleet cadet that he knew he had no chance with, only because he was looking to start a fight with some male cadets that would want to show off.. Honestly, its not like he had been doing anything offensive; he hadn't laid a hand on her or made a suggestion that was overly crude. But being young and in a uniform makes you want to prove yourself. He put up a fight, but it was what he wanted at the time. He wanted to be beaten to the point where he wouldn't breath. He had wanted to die.

Then, a Captain from StarFleet was going on about how he could be better than this, how he could live up to the name that his father had given him. Being who he was, he put up his shields and left not thinking anything of it. He spent most of that night driving around thinking about what to do. His past was dark, dark enough to drive him over the edge. If someone hadn't found him each time, talked him out of it each time, his attempts would have been successful. But he was Jim Kirk and the universe had something against him, wanted him to live.

And the next morning, when he showed up and got on the shuttle, after telling Pike it would take him only three years instead of four, Jim learned that the universe didn't have something against him. It was keeping him there until he met Leonard H. McCoy.

In that moment Jim realized that he and this man were meant to be friends, of course when someone's first words to you are "I might throw up on you," it's hard to be anything but.

The three years he spent with McCoy at the academy led to many things. First off, the nickname 'Bones' that Jim gave the grumpy doctor. They became roommates and best friends; when Jim would get into trouble McCoy was there to patch him up. When McCoy had a hard day Jim was there to take the bottle away. When Jim broke down and confessed everything, his mother abandoning him, his step father beating the living shit out of him, the nightmares he kept hidden, McCoy was there to listen and to hold him. When McCoy's ex-wife sent him a message telling him to stop trying to contact his daughter Jim was there to tell her off and hold McCoy. When…well you get the idea.

They became everything to each other, after all, they were all the other had. When someone said Jim's name someone brought up McCoy and vice versa. They were a legend at the academy, a team that couldn't be stopped.

It didn't surprise anyone when they became a couple. Sure, before that they had drunken sex and just blew it off the next morning, but things change.

Jim remembered hearing the news that his mother was dead, that the cancer that they still couldn't cure had killed her. Jim blamed it on Frank; he had refused to pay for the treatment that could have saved her, that would have given her a fighting chance. It all came back to Frank, everything bad that had happened in his life was caused by the man that he had been forced to grow up with.

He had been sitting on the floor of the room he and McCoy lived in on campus, tears streaming down his face and his eyes red with anger. McCoy walked in from a double at the school's training hospital and was already ranting when he threw his bag on his bed. He took one look at Jim and got on the floor next to him, "What happened kid?"

The younger man looked up shaking. "He killed her! I told her to get away from him, to divorce his ass before he killed her but she didn't listen!" Jim gripped the doctor's hand painfully.

"He almost killed me and Sam but that didn't make her leave him. Sam ran away because of him and that didn't make her leave him. He almost killed me again and again and again and that didn't make her leave him. I thought maybe she would at least try and protect herself but she didn't and now she's dead!"

McCoy gripped his hand back and pulled him close, shushing him in an attempt to calm him down. He heard his own gruff voice telling Jim that it would be ok, he could get through this. He didn't know how much time had passed but he felt Jim relax into his side and he pulled him closer.

"Bones," he said with a voice strained from crying, "I don't have anyone left." Jim never really had anyone, but his mother was his mother and now she was gone.

The good Doctor shifted and looked down at Jim giving him a smile, one only Jim really ever got to see. "You got me, kid."

"You'll leave too." Jim said letting his head rest against McCoy's shoulder. McCoy was the only that got to see Jim like this, so vulnerable and open.

"Look at me. Dammit Jim look at me." he ordered. When Jim did look up he kissed him slowly. It was the first kiss that they shared sober but neither pulled back. Jim recalled the taste of mint and even some bourbon that would never leave McCoy's mouth. He could taste the salt from his own tears but that didn't stop them.

"Taste good." he murmured when they finally pulled apart. His blue eyes looked into the brown of McCoy's and he smiled softly.

McCoy dried his face and smirked, "I'm not leaving you, Jim. Never leave you behind."

From that point on McCoy never did leave him. They were together in every sense of the word and everyone knew it even if they didn't flaunt. The beds in their room were pushed together and Jim stopped chasing after anything with an orifice.

When Jim was going to be left behind on Earth because of academic suspension McCoy managed to get him onto the Enterprise, even if he had a couple  _ minor _ allergic reactions. Still, McCoy made good on his promise and brought Jim with him. What happened while they were on the Enterprise was more than a trial to how they felt about each other. Jim was defying orders and trying to save the world, even if that meant going through a half-Vulcan that was three times stronger than he was.

But he was Jim Kirk and he did the impossible. He saved the Enterprise, Earth, Captain Pike all while going from cadet, to First Officer, to Acting Captain. Once he was back on the Enterprise McCoy cornered him in their room, his eyes red and narrowed.

"What the hell were you thinking Jim? You could have fucking died. I'm a doctor, not a damned miracle worker. What if I couldn't have brought you back?"

Jim gave him a tired but cocky smile. "Love you too, Bones."

"Damn kids." McCoy muttered and he kissed Jim with everything he had. They became a mess of lips, tongues, and hands as they moved together, needing to know that the other one was there.

It was well beyond three in the morning when McCoy managed to pull his lips away from Jim's. "I have something for you."

Jim looked at him panting, "I think I took enough. I'm surprised we haven't passed out from lack of fluids."

McCoy rolled his eyes and reached over digging into the pockets of his pants. When he came back up to the bed Jim was sitting up watching him. He sat up next to him and looked into those bright blue eyes. "I promised you I'd never leave you. I don't think I could ever live without you, I sure as hell know that I don't want to try."

"Bones…" Jim whispered softly.

"Dammit Jim, say yes." he said showing him the simple band, white gold with two diamonds connected by a series of tiny sapphires. McCoy swallowed when Jim just stared at the ring and didn't say anything. He closed the box sighing. 'I'm sorry…I just thought-"

"How am I supposed to put that on when you shut the box?"

McCoy looked up into the face of Jim Kirk and smiled, "Really?"

"Bones, did you really think I would turn you down?" Jim kissed him, grabbing the box and slid the ring onto his finger. "Now you can't get rid of me."

"Good."

That had been two days ago. They made it back to Earth yesterday and had been given a hero's welcome even with all the loss that had been suffered. The crew smiled sadly and they left without taking part in the festivities. They had been there first hand and seen the damage. Jim and McCoy had been the last to leave the Enterprise, hand in hand, the ring sparkling on Jim's finger.

They laid together that night, neither of them sleeping. They both had debriefings and other meetings to go to in the morning but they just laid there silently, not letting go. They were kept busy like that but next was supposed to be the last one for a couple of days.

This morning they ate a small breakfast before they promised to meet up for dinner at 1900 and then just go to sleep. Jim had every intention of doing just that and he found himself fidgety throughout the day. His thoughts were plagued with what he saw in space and he wanted to be near McCoy so he could forget. When he was told that he was going to be Captain of the Enterprise his mood lifted and he couldn't wait to see his fiancé.

He rushed to where they were supposed to meet but stopped in his tracks when he saw McCoy standing with a woman he knew to be his ex-wife. The look on McCoy's face was shock at the sight of her and Jim could see the sneaky smile on her face.

Jim started walking towards them when McCoy's face got frustrated but when he saw what happened next he froze and almost fell over. He heard a familiar voice next to him, keeping him from falling and barely registered it as Spock. "James?"

Spock's gaze had followed Jim's and landed on the forms of McCoy and his ex-wife, his hands on her shoulders as they kissed right there in the open. The touch telepath could feel the hurt and betrayal coursing through Jim and did not know what to say.

"I have to go Spock." he said and turned, hurrying to the dorm room. He grabbed the bottle of Jack and the stash of pills McCoy had to help him sleep and indulged himself. That's how he got to where he was now, thinking once again that the universe hated him after all.

Jim took a swig from the near-empty bottle and looked at the time. Two hours had passed since he had seen his fiancé, his McCoy, his Bones kissing her and he still couldn't forget. That didn't matter, a few more minutes and his world would fade to black.

_ Come on Jim, it wasn't what it looked like. He loves you, he wasn't expecting it that's all. Don't do this to yourself, don't do this to him. You've got a lot going for you. You're everything to each other. It wasn't what it looked like. _

Jim was forcing himself to ignore that damn voice in his head, the one that stopped him every other time. But not this time, this time he would end it all. He didn't look up when he heard the door slide open, but instead he let his eyes close.

"Dammit Jim!" he yelled kneeling next to him. "Spock said you saw but…I didn't think you would…" He pushed the bottle out of Jim's hand and hauled him to his feet. McCoy carried Jim to the bathroom, put him over the toilet, and wet a cloth with cold water.

"You were kissing her. You said you loved me…wouldn't leave me," he muttered.

McCoy put the rag on the back of his neck. "We'll talk after I get you through this." he said softly. He pried Jim's mouth open and slipped his finger in causing the younger man to throw up.

Once Jim started he couldn't stop and he let it come, McCoy rubbing his back and watching over him. He knew that Jim hadn't taken a lethal dose but if he had finished that bottle of booze along with it…well it could have ended Jim's life. "I'm here Jim," he said and once Jim got some of the alcohol out of his system. McCoy sat against the wall and pulled Jim between his legs and held him there, his hand on his chest so he could watch his heart rate and breathing.

"You still love her," Jim said his head against his shoulders and even from this angle McCoy could see the anguish in Jim's eyes. It had taken a lot for Jim to trust him, to love him, and now Jim thought it was all a lie.

"I don't, baby," he whispered. The term of endearment made Jim smile gently; they only spoke like that when they were alone and everything was ok. "I tried to push her off of me, took me a couple seconds but I did. She's decided I'm worth it now. A hero, best friend to the man that saved Earth."

Jim looked up at him and McCoy caught the full spectrum of the emotions running through Jim. Hurt, anger, love, betrayal, sadness even through the glazed over eyes. McCoy could feel the same things in himself but if he didn't pull Jim out of this dark place he wouldn't get out of his own.

"Get some sleep, baby," he whispered and picked Jim up again and changed him for bed. "I'll be right here when you wake up in the morning." He laid Jim down and gave him something to counteract the rest of the alco,." he said gently.

Jim didn't wake up the next morning, or the next afternoon, but McCoy was watching over him and never leaving his side. He just watched over the man he loved, the man he was going to, well hoped he was going to marry and prayed that he would wake up soon. "Come on Jim."

As if he heard him, Jim stirred under the hand that was stroking his hair. He felt like shit but he forced his eyes open and saw a smiling, but concerned McCoy sitting next to him. "Hey," Jim said, his voice hoarse and when he tried to sit up his head spun.

"Easy babe." McCoy rubbed his back and Jim moved into him.

"Why are you here?" Jim asked. He wasn't looking at him anymore but McCoy could tell that Jim wasn't going to just forget this.

"I was going to meet you last night when she called my name. She wants to attach herself back to me now that people seem to think I'm a hero. She kissed me, trying to pull out any feelings that I have for her."

Jim finally looked up, his eyes narrowed, "And?"

"There were none. Hell I almost slapped her, Jim." McCoy took one of Jim's hands and looked at him.

"You don't know how much you mean to me. After you ran off Spock came over and pulled her away telling me that you saw everything and just left. I came back and I saw…saw you on the floor like that and I thought you were dead already. If you’d had anymore of that alcohol I don’t know if I’d have been able to save you."

Jim heard the hitch in his voice when he spoke and knew that his lover was telling him the truth but it still hurt. "You didn't push her away."

"I tried, that woman has a grip that would rival Spock's."

McCoy smiled when Jim chuckled softly and he took his place behind Jim and pulled his back to his chest and let his arms wrap around his waist. This was his favorite place to be, from here he could feel Jim breath, see the toned build of his body, play with his hair and other parts of his body.

"You know, last night was attempt number four,” Jim said quietly and after a good bit of time had passed.

"What?"

"I've tried killing myself before. The first time when I drove the car off the cliff but I chickened out. The second time I was fifteen and Frank had come into my room one night. He tried to…hell he started to but I hit him with a lamp. I just cut the wrong way." McCoy wanted to stop him but he let Jim continue. "The third time was the night before I met you. I would have been beaten to death if Pike hadn't interfered. Then last night…"

"Jim…"

"I haven't had thoughts like that since we met you know that? There's always this voice in my head, it tells me that everything will work out, that there's something waiting for me. But, when I thought I lost you last night-"

"Jim you will  _ never _ lose me."

The younger man smiled and looked ahead at the window, catching their reflection. "I had some really good news to tell you last night."

"Jim, you can tell me now."

Jim rested his head and McCoy's shoulder and looked up at him. "We're both stationed on the Enterprise, you're the CMO."

McCoy kissed his forehead almost scared to let him go. "I would have made sure I was going on whatever ship you get assigned to."

"Which is why you're still on the Enterprise. I even pulled a few strings and we get to share a room." Jim kissed his neck, craving the contact from McCoy. "Pike offered to perform the ceremony you know…after we graduate on Friday."

"Really…but damn Jim those rooms are small."

Jim laughed again and turned around to face him, getting in his lap and straddling it slowly. "Ours won't be."

McCoy held his hips. He liked Jim in this position but tonight nothing would come from that. Jim needed to rest and fully recover. "Oh, and how do you know?"

Jim moved closer resting his head against the crook of his neck. "Well, see the Captain has the biggest room on the ship and I pulled some strings and they're adding a bigger bed and modifying it to fit two people."

"Why would we be in…Jim?"

"Yes Bones?"

"You-you're Captain?"

Jim smirked looking up at him, "Captain James T. Kirk of the Starship Enterprise."

At that moment, McCoy kissed him so hard that Jim fell backwards off the bed but neither cared. When they pulled back for air Jim laughed and McCoy frowned.

"Dammit."

"Bones what's wrong?"

"Now I'm really gonna have to watch over your ass." McCoy looked down and saw those blue eyes sparkling and that bright smile.

"Right now you need to be doing something else with my ass. And that Bones, is an order."

McCoy smirked, "I'm pulling rank here  _ Captain _ , You aren't ready for that."

Jim whined and pressed his body to McCoy's in a way that he knew would break the older man to his will. "But Bones…"

"No ,Jim."

He looked at McCoy, "I'll be good…" he whispered against his ear and he smirked triumphantly when the Doctor shuddered.

"God you better be." he said, pressing his lips to Jim's.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! Please let me know what you think!


	5. Attempt Number 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The final time Jim attempts to take his life...and succeeds.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this took so long - I started a second job so I'm now working 7 days a week. Things have been crazy. 
> 
> So this story is done - I didn't get to read this all the way through so there are probably some mistakes.
> 
> Which story should I post next? I have another Kirk/McCoy or a Kirk/Spock that I could start putting up tomorrow.

Jim lay next to the man that had been the one constant in the mess that he had been forced to call a life. This man, Doctor Leonard "Bones" McCoy, was everything to Jim. In no way had McCoy agreed with all the shit the Jim pulled, especially when they were on the first five year mission, but he had been there and stayed by his side.

McCoy was the one person that Jim had been able to completely open up to. The good Doctor knew about all the times that Jim had tried to end his life because he had wanted to give up, and McCoy was the only one that believed Jim had a voice inside his head willing him to continue.

But, over the course of his thirty-five years, there was one important lesson that Jim had learned. The universe, for whatever reason, hated him and liked to see him miserable. The damn thing liked to beat him down and continue to kick at him till his will to fight was gone. That's exactly what it had done; one year ago, the universe decided that it was going to take the one thing that really mattered to him, away.

One year ago, McCoy was diagnosed with a rare cancer that there was still no cure for. Slowly, but surely, the cancerous cells were taking over his organs and shutting them down. The couple had decided that McCoy was going to spend his final days at home, and now those final days were winding to a close.

When McCoy first gave Jim the news, they had sat down and discussed what was going to happen and how McCoy wanted his life to end. He didn't want to be put on life support, but Jim fought back, saying that if it helped McCoy live then why should they use it. Weeks were spent arguing on the topic before they came to a compromise; if McCoy needed to stay on life support for more than three days, then Jim would pull the plug.

The year had flown by. Jim had used all his resources to research the disease but nothing worked and one week ago McCoy had confined himself to bed. When that had happened, Jim had made the choice that he wasn't going to go through the rest of his life without McCoy by his side. McCoy was the person that he had kept himself alive for, the person the voice had been telling him to wait for; with McCoy gone, what was there for Jim?

The first day that McCoy had been placed on life support he put the bottle of little red pills in the drawer next to the bed. One of them knocked him out for twelve hours, the whole thing would end his life in less than an hour and it would be painless.

At ten o'clock, in a mere two hours, Jim would end the life of the man that was his everything. In a mere two hours Jim was going to lay next to him, a die while holding his fading husband in his arms.

He forced himself to sit up and he set the letter that he had written to Spock on the nightstand so that he would find it. Jim knew that at the half-Vulcan was on his way to be with him, and he knew what would happen when Spock read the letter, but Jim prayed the Spock wouldn't go through with what they had talked about so many years ago.

Jim looked back at his dying husband before he laid down again and wrapped his arms around the still body, holding it close. Jim felt tears in his eyes as he held McCoy to him. Silently, he studied McCoy's features and ran his fingers through the graying hair; he remembered the times that McCoy had yelled at him about being an idiot, he remembered McCoy and Spock arguing over the smallest things, and he remembered the nights of passion that he and McCoy shared.

His blue eyes reluctantly left the form of McCoy and he looked at the clock. He only at fifty minutes left before he had to pull the plug. Jim pulled the bottle of pills out of the drawer and popped the top off. With one last look at McCoy, he dumped them into his mouth and chewed them as if they were his favorite candy.

He waited for them to kick in and once he started feeling drowsy he placed a final kiss on McCoy's lips before turning the machine off. Jim put hi head on his lover's chest and closed his eyes. Part of himself hated himself for what he was doing, but the other part knew that it needed to be done.

_ It's ok Jim, let go. _

Jim looked around, his vision going foggy and he pulled McCoy close, listening as the heart slowed.

_ You belong with him, its ok now. _

His blue eyes closed and he fell asleep, his heart slowing at the same pace McCoy's did. Jim faded from the world, holding the only thing that really mattered to him. Both men slid into the darkness and they were welcomed by a man that neither of them knew.

**A/N - And its done…ok, so vote, should I do an epilogue sort of thing where Spock finds them, yay or nay. Let me knoe what you think and thanks for reading!**

**L.A.**

**Chapter 6: Epilogue**

**A/N - Ok, so this time it really is the end. Here's the epilogue. Again, its short but I like it and I hope you guys do as well. Thanks for all the support throughout the story and I hope to hear from you guys in the future.**

_ Spock, _

_ Seven years ago, the three of us made a pact. We promised that we would serve together, retire together, and die together. We knew that we were the most important things in each other's lives. _

_ One year ago, Bones asked us to forget that we even made the pact. He didn't want us to end out lives prematurely just because his was. He seemed to think that we both would have something to live for once he was gone. At that time we agreed to forget it and we didn't bring it up again. _

_ One week ago, I decided that I couldn't forget the pact that we made. Bones has been everything to me. He saved me time and time again; he became my reason for living. I need to be with him in whatever dimension or whatever that he is in. I know that its not logical, but I am human. _

_ I want you to forget the pact, Spock. As your Captain and as your friend, I am asking that you not honor it. You still have a lot to offer and you don't need us to go on with your life. You've been one of the best friends that I have ever had and it hurt not to say good-bye to you face to face, but I knew that you would try and talk me out of it. Knowing you, you would have been successful. _

_ Don't mourn for us, we wouldn't want you to dwell on the fact that there are two less illogical humans in the world. Take care my friend. _

_ Jim _

Spock looked down at the two humans that were curled up together on the bed, their bodies were lifeless but they still had traces of warmth. Jim knew exactly how to appeal to him; he asked him not only as his friend, but as his Captain. Spock would always think of Jim as his Captain and as such he could deny him very little.

But Jim was wrong. Spock did not have anything to hold onto. He had nothing to contribute without his friends there. Leonard and Jim were the only two people that he really trusted and they were the only two people that he let see his human side.

He sat there, his stare staying on the two still bodies as he thought through his options. There were funeral arrangements and other calls to make. Star Fleet had to be notified and Spock would have speeches to write about his two lost friends.

The half-Vulcan stood up and walked to the comm unit and made the appropriate calls before walking over and kneeling next to the bed. There was no doubt that he would honor the request the Jim had made, but he couldn't just let them fade from memory. "Forgive me." he whispered to them before placing his hands on the sides of their faces.

Seven days ago Doctor Leonard H. "Bones" McCoy and Captain James T. Kirk had passed away. In the days since then there had been a public viewing of the bodies, a public memorial, and a private funeral. The men were seen as heroes throughout the galaxy and everyone mourned their loss. Everyone except for Spock who had been the third member of the infamous trio. He was there at all the functions, spoke of his two friends with a great amount of respect but his voice remind calm and collected, his face as stoic as always.

He was offered condolences and he responded in kind but still showed no emotion. The original bridge crew of the Enterprise was there and stood at his side, but their grief was noticeable but even they couldn't see any sign of grief in his eyes.

Long after the guests and the crew left, Spock stood in front of the graves that now held the bodies of Jim and McCoy. His eyes ran over the epitaphs.

_ James T. Kirk - "Kirk out." Honored Hero, Captain, Friend, and Husband _

_ Leonard H. "Bones" McCoy - "I can fix that!" Honored Hero, Doctor, Friend, and Husband _

Spock sat on the grass, "I will miss you my friends."  _ At least in the physical sense. _ He thought.

_ You know Spock, you could have been a little more original with our epitaphs.  _ McCoy's voice sounded in his head.

_ Calm down Bones, at least your quote isn't so morbid…Kirk out. No shit, I'm laying a wooden box six feet under.  _ Jim answered back.

Spock listened to the bickering in his head and was stoically amused,  _ Maybe I made a mistake in taking your katras, but if you two have suggestions I can always have them redone. _

_ Dammit, I'm a doctor, not a poet! _

_ Not like I'm really gonna see it, Spock. _

Both men laughed softly in his head and Spock allowed himself to answer with a laugh of his own.

_ Where to now, Spock?  _ McCoy questioned.

_ Home. _

He could feel Jim swell with pride,  _ The Enterprise? _

_ Yes.  _ Spock answered and got to his feet. He looked one last time at the graves and quickly glanced at the empty spot that would be his in the future.

_ Spock, lets go. I wanna get to the ship. _

_ Jim, stop acting like a child. _

Spock raised his eyebrow and left the cemetery without another word and went home with his two best friends in tow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you thought! And let m know what story you would like to see next!

**Author's Note:**

> I tried to make it seem like this was coming from the mind of a child - hopefully I got it right. Thanks for reading and please let me know what you think.


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